1
00:00:04,039 --> 00:00:06,394
Ready, march!
2
00:00:06,479 --> 00:00:08,675
[DRUMROLL]
3
00:00:17,637 --> 00:00:21,345
Eyes… right!
4
00:00:27,755 --> 00:00:29,428
Eyes, right!
5
00:00:38,673 --> 00:00:40,232
[DING]
6
00:00:41,953 --> 00:00:44,588
You'd like to book a table
for three by the window
7
00:00:44,672 --> 00:00:48,583
for 9:30 p.m., not too near the band,
8
00:00:48,672 --> 00:00:53,222
in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?
9
00:00:53,311 --> 00:00:57,426
Yes, yes, I think you might
have the wrong number.
10
00:00:57,510 --> 00:00:59,820
That's all right.
11
00:00:59,910 --> 00:01:02,583
Another crossed line, eh, sir?
12
00:01:02,669 --> 00:01:04,545
That phone system is a shambles,
13
00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:06,425
no wonder we haven't had any orders!
14
00:01:06,509 --> 00:01:08,584
On the contrary, George,
we've had plenty of orders.
15
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:09,904
We have orders for six meters
16
00:01:09,988 --> 00:01:13,104
of Hungarian crushed
velvet curtain material,
17
00:01:13,188 --> 00:01:15,223
four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips,
18
00:01:15,307 --> 00:01:18,698
and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave,
19
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:22,575
picking up from 14
Arnost Grove, Raintop Bell.
20
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:25,419
Rather!
We don't want those sort of orders,
21
00:01:25,506 --> 00:01:27,461
we want orders to deck old glory.
22
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:30,421
When are we going to give
Fritz a taste of our British spunk?
23
00:01:30,505 --> 00:01:32,620
George, please.
24
00:01:32,704 --> 00:01:35,580
No one is more anxious
to advance than I am,
25
00:01:35,664 --> 00:01:37,859
but until I get these
communication problems sorted out,
26
00:01:37,943 --> 00:01:39,019
I'm afraid we're stuck.
27
00:01:39,103 --> 00:01:41,492
[RINGING]
28
00:01:41,583 --> 00:01:42,899
Captain Blackadder speaking.
29
00:01:42,983 --> 00:01:47,578
No, I'm afraid the
line's very [IMITATES STATIC]
30
00:01:47,662 --> 00:01:50,175
Hello? Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?
31
00:01:50,261 --> 00:01:52,252
[CRINKLING NOISE]
32
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,976
Schnell, schnell, die koppeltop
33
00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:01,133
I said there's a terrible line at my end.
34
00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:05,008
You're to advance on the enemy at once.
35
00:02:05,099 --> 00:02:07,658
[IMITATES DEAD LINE]
36
00:02:10,658 --> 00:02:14,651
♪ A wandering minstrel eye in the… ♪
37
00:02:14,737 --> 00:02:16,569
[RADIO NOISES]
38
00:02:16,657 --> 00:02:19,569
[DIFFERENT VOICE] Gale Force Eight…
imminent.
39
00:02:19,656 --> 00:02:21,806
I say, sir, what's the message?
40
00:02:21,896 --> 00:02:24,172
I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!
41
00:02:24,256 --> 00:02:25,731
Well, as far as I can
tell, the message was,
42
00:02:25,815 --> 00:02:28,170
he's got a terrible lion up his end,
43
00:02:28,255 --> 00:02:31,007
so there's an advantage
to an enema at once.
44
00:02:31,094 --> 00:02:32,650
Damn!
45
00:02:32,734 --> 00:02:34,566
Message from HQ, sir.
46
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,088
Ah, now, this'll be it.
47
00:02:36,174 --> 00:02:37,925
A telegram ordering an advance!
48
00:02:38,013 --> 00:02:39,969
Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.
49
00:02:40,053 --> 00:02:42,009
It is a telegram, it is
ordering an advance,
50
00:02:42,093 --> 00:02:45,048
but it seems to be addressed to
someone called "Cat-pain Blackudder."
51
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,726
Do you know a Cat-pain Blackudder, George?
52
00:02:47,812 --> 00:02:50,847
Well, it rings a bell, but I… no.
53
00:02:50,931 --> 00:02:53,684
-Nope, me neither.
-Oh, well.
54
00:02:53,771 --> 00:02:56,846
Anyway, George, I'm sure if they
want to contact us, they'll find a way.
55
00:02:56,930 --> 00:03:00,241
Pigeons, sir!
There's a pigeon in our trench!
56
00:03:00,329 --> 00:03:02,002
Ah, now, this'll be it!
57
00:03:02,089 --> 00:03:05,559
Yes, it's one of the
King's carrier pigeons.
58
00:03:05,649 --> 00:03:09,484
No, it isn't, that pigeon
couldn't carry the King!
59
00:03:09,568 --> 00:03:11,444
Hasn't got a tray or anything.
60
00:03:11,528 --> 00:03:13,323
Lieutenant, revolver, please.
61
00:03:13,407 --> 00:03:16,320
Oh now, sir, you really
shouldn't do this, you know!
62
00:03:16,407 --> 00:03:18,802
Come on, George, with 50,
000 men getting killed a week,
63
00:03:18,886 --> 00:03:20,797
who's going to miss a pigeon?
64
00:03:24,445 --> 00:03:28,040
Well, not you, obviously, sir.
65
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:31,480
In any case, it's scarcely
a court-martial offense.
66
00:03:31,564 --> 00:03:33,555
Get plucking, Baldrick.
67
00:03:33,644 --> 00:03:34,839
All right, sir.
68
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,597
Look, it's got a little
ring 'round its leg,
69
00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:38,679
there's a novelty!
70
00:03:38,763 --> 00:03:40,479
Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?
71
00:03:40,563 --> 00:03:44,476
No, but there's a joke. Read it out, sir.
72
00:03:44,562 --> 00:03:46,473
It's a bit charred.
73
00:03:46,562 --> 00:03:48,472
Something-something at once…
74
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:51,235
PS, due to communication crisis,
75
00:03:51,321 --> 00:03:55,791
the shooting of carrier pigeons
is now a court-martial offense.
76
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,872
I don't see what's funny about that, sir.
77
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,429
It's not funny, it's deadly serious.
We're in trouble.
78
00:04:02,519 --> 00:04:05,874
So I shall eat the evidence for lunch,
79
00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:08,393
and if anyone asks
you any questions at all,
80
00:04:08,478 --> 00:04:10,194
we didn't receive any messages
81
00:04:10,278 --> 00:04:14,271
and we definitely did not shoot
this plump-breasted pigeon.
82
00:04:16,117 --> 00:04:18,832
Um… de-licious.
83
00:04:18,916 --> 00:04:20,872
MELCHETT: Aye! Blackadder!
84
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,708
DARLING: Attention!
85
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,831
And why, Captain, are you not advancing
86
00:04:24,915 --> 00:04:25,911
across No Man's Land?
87
00:04:25,995 --> 00:04:28,111
Well, sir, call me a
bluffo traditionalist,
88
00:04:28,195 --> 00:04:29,830
but I was always taught to wait
89
00:04:29,914 --> 00:04:31,550
for the order to attack before attacking.
90
00:04:31,634 --> 00:04:34,390
Are you trying to tell me you
haven't received any orders?
91
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,828
What the hell are you playing at, Darling?
92
00:04:36,913 --> 00:04:37,829
That's a blatant lie, sir.
93
00:04:37,913 --> 00:04:40,382
I spoke to Blackadder
less than an hour ago.
94
00:04:40,473 --> 00:04:41,948
Yes, you did.
95
00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:45,548
To tell me some gobbledygook
about having a lion up your bottom.
96
00:04:45,632 --> 00:04:48,547
Hmm, as I thought…
it's the old communications problem again.
97
00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:49,780
Stand easy.
98
00:04:49,871 --> 00:04:52,506
Action on this is imperative.
Take that down, Darling.
99
00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:55,821
Also, make a note of
the word gobbledygook.
100
00:04:55,910 --> 00:04:57,025
I like it.
101
00:04:57,110 --> 00:04:58,945
I want to use it more
often in conversation.
102
00:04:59,029 --> 00:05:01,703
I must say, sir, I find
this all very unlikely.
103
00:05:01,789 --> 00:05:03,700
Not only did I telephone Blackadder,
104
00:05:03,789 --> 00:05:06,584
but as you'll recall, we sent him
a telegram and a carrier pigeon.
105
00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:08,384
Did you?
106
00:05:08,468 --> 00:05:11,459
Are you telling us you haven't
had a pigeon, Blackadder?
107
00:05:13,507 --> 00:05:17,542
-Um… Ahh…
-Come on man, you must have done!
108
00:05:17,626 --> 00:05:20,698
I sent our top bird: Speckled Jim.
109
00:05:20,786 --> 00:05:24,301
My own true love, who's been
with me since I was a nipper!
110
00:05:24,385 --> 00:05:28,537
To business.
I'm giving you your order to advance now.
111
00:05:28,624 --> 00:05:30,535
Synchronize watches, gentlemen.
112
00:05:30,624 --> 00:05:32,500
Private, what is the time?
113
00:05:32,584 --> 00:05:34,335
We didn't receive any messages,
114
00:05:34,423 --> 00:05:36,059
and Captain Blackadder definitely did not
115
00:05:36,143 --> 00:05:39,613
shoot this delicious
plump-breasted pigeon, sir.
116
00:05:41,102 --> 00:05:42,978
What?!
117
00:05:43,062 --> 00:05:46,372
You want to be cremated,
Baldrick, or buried at sea?
118
00:05:46,461 --> 00:05:47,461
Um…
119
00:05:49,221 --> 00:05:50,575
-Ah, Lieutenant?
-Sir.
120
00:05:50,661 --> 00:05:52,616
Do you mind answering
a couple of questions?
121
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,213
Not at all, sir.
122
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,893
We didn't get any messages,
123
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:57,535
and Captain Blackadder
definitely did not shoot
124
00:05:57,619 --> 00:05:59,530
this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.
125
00:05:59,699 --> 00:06:01,255
Thanks, George.
126
00:06:01,339 --> 00:06:04,614
And look, sir, pigeon feathers…
White feathers.
127
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,530
Very apt, eh, Blackadder?
128
00:06:06,618 --> 00:06:07,847
White feathers?
129
00:06:07,938 --> 00:06:11,009
Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook.
130
00:06:11,097 --> 00:06:14,086
They're not white,
they're sort of speckly.
131
00:06:14,177 --> 00:06:15,769
Speckly?!
132
00:06:15,856 --> 00:06:17,369
[SCREAMS]
133
00:06:17,456 --> 00:06:20,209
You shot my Speckled Jim?!
134
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,445
You're for it now, Blackadder.
135
00:06:22,535 --> 00:06:24,651
Quite frankly, sir, I've
suspected this for some time.
136
00:06:24,735 --> 00:06:27,330
Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder
has been disobeying orders
137
00:06:27,414 --> 00:06:28,770
with a breathtaking impertinence.
138
00:06:28,854 --> 00:06:31,687
I don't care if he's been
rogering the Duke of York
139
00:06:31,774 --> 00:06:33,844
with a prize-winning leek!
140
00:06:33,933 --> 00:06:36,288
He shot my pigeon!
141
00:06:36,373 --> 00:06:38,489
[STILTED SCREAMING]
142
00:06:38,573 --> 00:06:39,926
Take it easy, sir.
143
00:06:40,012 --> 00:06:41,928
I think we should do
this by the book, sir.
144
00:06:42,012 --> 00:06:45,561
Yes, yes, you're right, of course.
I'm sorry.
145
00:06:45,651 --> 00:06:46,971
Attention!
146
00:06:48,571 --> 00:06:51,323
Captain Blackadder, as of this moment
147
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:54,046
you may consider yourself under arrest.
148
00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:57,245
You know what the penalty is
for disobeying orders, Blackadder?
149
00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,365
Um… court-martial,
150
00:06:59,449 --> 00:07:02,404
followed by immediate
cessation of chocolate rations?
151
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,964
No.
152
00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:07,324
Court-martial followed by
immediate death by firing squad.
153
00:07:07,408 --> 00:07:10,525
Oh, so I got it half right.
154
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,116
All saddled in and
happy, are we then, sir?
155
00:07:15,206 --> 00:07:17,038
Reining all our last goodbyes?
156
00:07:17,126 --> 00:07:18,878
Oh, no need for that, Perkins,
157
00:07:18,966 --> 00:07:20,681
I've just dashed off a couple of notes,
158
00:07:20,765 --> 00:07:24,041
one asking for a sponge bag,
and the other sending for my lawyer.
159
00:07:24,125 --> 00:07:25,521
Oh, your lawyer, yes.
160
00:07:25,605 --> 00:07:28,280
Don't you think that might be
a bit of a waste of money, sir?
161
00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:32,118
Not when he's the finest
mind in English legal history.
162
00:07:32,203 --> 00:07:33,759
Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?
163
00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:36,559
Oh, yes indeed, sir!
A most gifted gentleman!
164
00:07:36,643 --> 00:07:39,598
Quite.
I remember Massingbird's most famous case,
165
00:07:39,682 --> 00:07:41,798
the Case of the Bloody Knife.
166
00:07:41,882 --> 00:07:44,236
A man was found next to a murdered body,
167
00:07:44,321 --> 00:07:45,877
he had the knife in his hand,
168
00:07:45,961 --> 00:07:48,517
thirteen witnesses had
seen him stab the victim,
169
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,396
and when the police arrived he said,
170
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,232
"I'm glad I killed the bastard."
171
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,273
Massingbird not only got him off,
172
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,395
he got him knighted in
the New Year's honors list,
173
00:07:58,479 --> 00:07:59,515
and the relatives of the victim
174
00:07:59,599 --> 00:08:02,074
had to pay to have the
blood washed out of his jacket.
175
00:08:02,158 --> 00:08:04,434
And he's a dab hand at
the prosecution, as well, sir.
176
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,191
Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
177
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,233
Oh, butch Oscar.
178
00:08:08,317 --> 00:08:11,593
Exactly…
big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar,
179
00:08:11,677 --> 00:08:13,153
the terror of the ladies.
180
00:08:13,237 --> 00:08:17,025
114 illegitimate children, world
heavyweight boxing champion,
181
00:08:17,116 --> 00:08:19,391
and author of the best-selling pamphlet,
182
00:08:19,475 --> 00:08:22,511
"Why I Like To Do it With Girls,"
183
00:08:22,595 --> 00:08:25,632
and Massingbird had him
sent down for being a whoopsie.
184
00:08:29,594 --> 00:08:30,664
Ah, Baldrick.
185
00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:32,309
-Anything from Massingbird yet?
-Yes, sir.
186
00:08:32,393 --> 00:08:33,949
It just arrived, sir.
187
00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:36,673
-What is it?
-Sponge bag, sir.
188
00:08:37,832 --> 00:08:39,708
-A sponge bag?
-Yes, sir.
189
00:08:39,792 --> 00:08:41,624
Baldrick, I gave you two notes.
190
00:08:41,712 --> 00:08:45,181
You sent the note asking for a sponge bag
191
00:08:45,271 --> 00:08:48,104
to the finest mind in
English legal history.
192
00:08:48,191 --> 00:08:49,506
Certainly did, sir!
193
00:08:49,590 --> 00:08:52,901
And you sent the note
requesting legal representation to…
194
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:58,105
Well, tally-ho, with a Bing and
a bong and a buzz-buzz-buzz!
195
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:01,499
Oh, God I'll tell you first of all, sir,
196
00:09:01,588 --> 00:09:03,384
that I am deeply, deeply honored.
197
00:09:03,468 --> 00:09:04,824
Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.
198
00:09:04,908 --> 00:09:07,623
Am I to understand that
you are going to represent me
199
00:09:07,707 --> 00:09:09,183
at the court-martial?
200
00:09:09,267 --> 00:09:11,223
Absolutely, sir.
It's a sort of family tradition.
201
00:09:11,307 --> 00:09:12,782
My uncle's a lawyer, you know.
202
00:09:12,866 --> 00:09:13,982
Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.
203
00:09:14,066 --> 00:09:15,101
Oh, good Lord, no.
204
00:09:15,186 --> 00:09:17,742
I'm an absolute duffer
at this sort of thing.
205
00:09:17,826 --> 00:09:20,499
In the school debating society,
206
00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:22,061
I was voted the boy least likely
207
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:27,220
-to complete a coherent… um…
-Sentence?
208
00:09:27,304 --> 00:09:28,499
That's it, yes.
209
00:09:28,584 --> 00:09:31,497
But anyway, my dear old
friend, it's an honor to serve.
210
00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:33,494
George, I'm in deep trouble here.
211
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:34,739
I need to construct a case
212
00:09:34,823 --> 00:09:37,496
that's as watertight as
a mermaid's brassiere.
213
00:09:37,582 --> 00:09:40,335
I'm not sure your particular
brand of mindless optimism
214
00:09:40,422 --> 00:09:42,977
is going to contribute
much to the proceedings.
215
00:09:43,061 --> 00:09:45,211
That's a shame, sir,
because I was planning
216
00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:47,577
on playing the mindless optimism
card very strongly during your trial.
217
00:09:47,661 --> 00:09:49,136
I beg your pardon?
218
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:50,494
Yes, I've already
219
00:09:50,580 --> 00:09:52,496
planned my closing address
based on that very theme.
220
00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:54,775
"Oh, go on, let him
off, Your Honor, please!
221
00:09:54,859 --> 00:09:56,495
"After all, it's a lovely day."
222
00:09:56,579 --> 00:09:58,295
"Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera."
223
00:09:58,379 --> 00:09:59,854
I rest my case."
224
00:09:59,938 --> 00:10:03,488
So, Counsel, with that summing up in mind,
225
00:10:03,578 --> 00:10:05,410
what do you think my chances are?
226
00:10:05,497 --> 00:10:06,773
Well, not all that good, I'm afraid,
227
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:11,249
as far as I can tell, you're as guilty
as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.
228
00:10:11,337 --> 00:10:13,566
Charming.
229
00:10:15,936 --> 00:10:18,491
Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my love.
230
00:10:18,575 --> 00:10:21,931
But anyway, let me open
my defense straightaway
231
00:10:22,015 --> 00:10:24,490
by saying that I've known
this man for three years,
232
00:10:24,574 --> 00:10:26,736
he's an absolutely corking chap…
233
00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:28,087
-George?
-Yes, sir?
234
00:10:28,174 --> 00:10:31,484
-That's the clerk of the court.
-Is it? Oh!
235
00:10:31,573 --> 00:10:33,405
We haven't started yet.
236
00:10:36,812 --> 00:10:39,884
-Good luck, Blackadder.
-Well, thank you, Darling.
237
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:43,646
And what's your big job here today?
238
00:10:43,731 --> 00:10:45,404
Straightening chairs?
239
00:10:45,491 --> 00:10:49,006
No, in fact I'm appearing
for the prosecution.
240
00:10:49,090 --> 00:10:50,486
I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.
241
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:52,526
You're guilty as hell,
you haven't got a chance.
242
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,122
Why, thank you, Darling.
243
00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:57,440
And I hope your mother dies
in a freak yachting accident.
244
00:11:00,048 --> 00:11:01,484
Just doing my job, Blackadder.
245
00:11:01,568 --> 00:11:07,040
Obeying orders, and, of course,
having enormous fun into the bargain.
246
00:11:07,127 --> 00:11:09,163
I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.
247
00:11:09,247 --> 00:11:12,477
Any reasonably impartial
judge is bound to let me off.
248
00:11:12,566 --> 00:11:14,000
Well, absolutely.
249
00:11:14,086 --> 00:11:15,722
Who is the judge, by the way?
250
00:11:15,806 --> 00:11:16,801
MELCHETT: Bailiff!
251
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,001
I'm dead.
252
00:11:19,085 --> 00:11:21,121
Well, come on, then. Come on.
253
00:11:21,205 --> 00:11:22,480
We'll get this over in five minutes,
254
00:11:22,564 --> 00:11:24,475
and then we can have a spot of lunch.
255
00:11:24,564 --> 00:11:27,317
Right.. Oohh… ahhh.
256
00:11:27,404 --> 00:11:29,076
The court is now in session,
257
00:11:29,163 --> 00:11:31,799
General Sir Anthony Cecil
Hogmenay Melchett in the chair.
258
00:11:31,883 --> 00:11:37,036
The case before us Is that of the
Crown vs. Captain Edmund Blackadder…
259
00:11:37,122 --> 00:11:39,636
The Flanders pigeon murderer!
260
00:11:42,041 --> 00:11:46,796
Oh, clerk, hand me the
black cap, I'll be needing that.
261
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,474
I love a fair trial.
262
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,472
Anything to say before we
kick off, Captain Darling?
263
00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:53,475
May it please the court.
264
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:55,475
As this is clearly an open and shut case,
265
00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:58,514
I beg leave to bring a private
prosecution against the defense counsel
266
00:11:58,598 --> 00:11:59,994
for wasting the court's time.
267
00:12:00,078 --> 00:12:04,469
Granted. The defense counsel
is fined fifty pounds for turning up.
268
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:08,346
This is fun!
This is just like a real court!
269
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,472
All right! Let the trial begin!
270
00:12:10,556 --> 00:12:11,952
The charge before us
271
00:12:12,036 --> 00:12:16,268
is that the Flanders pigeon murderer…
did deliberately,
272
00:12:16,355 --> 00:12:19,905
callously, and with
beastliness aforethought
273
00:12:19,995 --> 00:12:24,227
murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!
274
00:12:24,314 --> 00:12:27,189
And disobeyed some orders as well.
275
00:12:27,273 --> 00:12:28,308
Is this true?
276
00:12:28,393 --> 00:12:30,862
Perfectly true, sir! I was there.
277
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,028
Thanks, George.
278
00:12:35,112 --> 00:12:37,103
Oh, damn!
279
00:12:37,192 --> 00:12:39,467
Right.
Counsel for the defense, get on with it.
280
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:40,867
Oh, right, yes, right.
281
00:12:40,951 --> 00:12:43,987
Um, yes.
I'd like to call my first witness,
282
00:12:44,071 --> 00:12:45,466
Captain Darling.
283
00:12:45,550 --> 00:12:48,941
You wish to call the
counsel for the prosecution
284
00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:50,464
as a defense witness?
285
00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:51,584
That's right.
286
00:12:51,669 --> 00:12:53,625
Don't worry, sir, I've
got it all under control.
287
00:12:53,709 --> 00:12:58,418
[CLEARS THROAT] You are
Captain Darling of the general staff?
288
00:12:58,508 --> 00:13:00,260
I am.
289
00:13:01,628 --> 00:13:05,063
Captain, leaving aside
the incident in question,
290
00:13:05,147 --> 00:13:07,463
would you think of Captain
Blackadder as the sort of man
291
00:13:07,547 --> 00:13:09,422
who would usually ignore orders?
292
00:13:09,506 --> 00:13:11,383
Yes, I would.
293
00:13:13,106 --> 00:13:16,141
Ah, um. You sure?
294
00:13:16,225 --> 00:13:18,781
I was rather banking
on you saying "no" there.
295
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:20,457
I'm sure.
296
00:13:20,544 --> 00:13:23,935
In fact, I have a list of
other orders he's disobeyed,
297
00:13:24,024 --> 00:13:25,420
if it would be useful.
298
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:26,459
Mm-hmm.
299
00:13:26,543 --> 00:13:31,777
May 16th, 9:15 a.m.,
10:23 a.m., 10:24 a.m.,
300
00:13:31,863 --> 00:13:35,455
-11:17 a.m…
-You missed one out there.
301
00:13:35,542 --> 00:13:38,533
10:30 a.m… thank you… 11:46 a.m…
302
00:13:38,621 --> 00:13:40,257
-George!
-Oh, oh, ye… ye… right.
303
00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:41,456
Thank you, Captain.
304
00:13:41,541 --> 00:13:43,373
No further questions.
305
00:13:43,461 --> 00:13:44,973
Well done, George.
306
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:46,812
You really had him on the ropes.
307
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,376
Don't worry, old man.
308
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,975
I have a last and, I think
you'll find, decisive witness.
309
00:13:51,059 --> 00:13:53,130
Call Private Baldrick.
310
00:13:53,219 --> 00:13:54,769
BAILIFF: Call Private Baldrick.
311
00:13:58,178 --> 00:13:59,976
Deny everything, Baldrick.
312
00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:05,533
Are you Private Baldrick?
313
00:14:05,617 --> 00:14:06,937
No!
314
00:14:09,536 --> 00:14:13,291
Um, but you are Captain
Blackadder's batman?
315
00:14:13,376 --> 00:14:14,524
No!
316
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,448
Come on, Baldrick., be
a bit more helpful, it's me!
317
00:14:19,534 --> 00:14:21,047
No, it isn't!
318
00:14:21,134 --> 00:14:22,610
Sir, I must protest!
319
00:14:22,694 --> 00:14:23,843
Quite right!
320
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:27,005
We don't need your kind here, Private.
Get out.
321
00:14:27,093 --> 00:14:28,449
Now, George, sum up, please.
322
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,444
Oh, right, yes, uh…
323
00:14:33,292 --> 00:14:35,124
Ah, gentlemen,
324
00:14:35,212 --> 00:14:37,887
you have heard all the evidence
presented before you today,
325
00:14:37,971 --> 00:14:40,201
but in the end, it is up to the conscience
326
00:14:40,291 --> 00:14:41,767
of your hearts to decide.
327
00:14:41,851 --> 00:14:43,326
And I firmly believe, that, like me,
328
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:44,926
you will conclude that Captain Blackadder
329
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:49,640
is in fact, totally and utterly: guilty.
330
00:14:55,168 --> 00:14:57,364
…of nothing more…
331
00:14:59,488 --> 00:15:03,443
Than trying to do his duty
under difficult circumstances.
332
00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:06,003
Nonsense! He's a hound and a
rutter, and he's going to be shot!
333
00:15:06,087 --> 00:15:08,157
However, before we proceed
334
00:15:08,246 --> 00:15:10,042
to the formality of
sentencing the deceased…
335
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:15,798
I mean the defendant…
[LAUGHING GLEEFULLY]
336
00:15:15,885 --> 00:15:19,593
I think we'd all rather enjoy
hearing the case of the prosecution.
337
00:15:19,684 --> 00:15:20,920
Captain Darling, if you please.
338
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:22,677
Sir, my case is very simple.
339
00:15:22,764 --> 00:15:24,160
I call my first witness,
340
00:15:24,244 --> 00:15:26,917
General Sir Anthony
Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.
341
00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:28,516
Ah! Umm!
342
00:15:30,003 --> 00:15:31,959
Clever. Clever!
343
00:15:33,282 --> 00:15:39,437
General, did you own a
lovely, plump, speckly pigeon
344
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:44,596
called Speckled Jim, which
you hand-reared from a chick
345
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,436
and which was your only childhood friend?
346
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,155
[CRYING] Yes!
347
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,434
[CALMER] Yes, I did.
348
00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:51,435
And did Captain Blackadder
shoot the aforementioned pigeon?
349
00:15:51,519 --> 00:15:52,429
Yes, he did!
350
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,434
[SHOUTING] Can you see Captain Blackadder
351
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,828
anywhere in this courtroom?!
352
00:15:56,918 --> 00:15:58,147
That's him!
353
00:15:58,238 --> 00:15:59,474
That's the man! Ahhhh!
354
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,389
No more questions, sir.
355
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:02,953
Splendid, excellent, first-class.
356
00:16:03,037 --> 00:16:04,433
Clear the way, man.
357
00:16:04,517 --> 00:16:09,306
I therefore have absolutely no hesitation
358
00:16:09,396 --> 00:16:14,151
in announcing that the
sentence of this court is that you,
359
00:16:14,235 --> 00:16:15,191
Captain Edmund Blackadder,
360
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,231
be taken from this place and suffer death
361
00:16:17,315 --> 00:16:20,430
by shooting tomorrow at dawn.
362
00:16:20,514 --> 00:16:22,266
Do you have anything to say?
363
00:16:24,473 --> 00:16:27,226
Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?
364
00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:30,623
Chap here to see the captain.
365
00:16:30,712 --> 00:16:32,428
What does he look like?
366
00:16:32,512 --> 00:16:35,026
-Short, ugly…
-Hello, Baldrick.
367
00:16:35,112 --> 00:16:38,422
I brought you some food, sir,
368
00:16:38,511 --> 00:16:41,741
for your final breakfast tomorrow.
369
00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:44,866
Ah, so you're not pinning much
hope on a last minute reprieve, then.
370
00:16:44,950 --> 00:16:48,260
No sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.
371
00:16:48,349 --> 00:16:51,145
The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo…"
372
00:16:51,229 --> 00:16:52,944
"Dead as a dodo."
373
00:16:53,028 --> 00:16:55,668
Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?
374
00:16:57,628 --> 00:16:59,300
Do not despair, sir.
375
00:16:59,387 --> 00:17:02,423
All my talk of food
was just a dead herring.
376
00:17:02,507 --> 00:17:06,420
In fact, I have a cunning plan.
377
00:17:06,506 --> 00:17:10,295
This is not food, but an escape kit.
378
00:17:10,386 --> 00:17:11,341
Good Lord!
379
00:17:11,425 --> 00:17:14,099
With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun,
380
00:17:14,185 --> 00:17:16,415
a change of clothes, a Swiss passport,
381
00:17:16,504 --> 00:17:19,060
and a huge false mustache,
I may just stand a chance.
382
00:17:19,144 --> 00:17:20,418
Ah.
383
00:17:20,504 --> 00:17:22,938
Let's see, what have we here?
384
00:17:23,023 --> 00:17:25,739
A small painted wooden duck.
385
00:17:25,823 --> 00:17:28,858
Yeah, I thought if you
get caught near water,
386
00:17:28,942 --> 00:17:32,253
you can balance it on the top of your head
387
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:35,254
as a brilliant disguise.
388
00:17:35,341 --> 00:17:36,695
Yeeesss.
389
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:39,057
I would, of course, have to escape first.
390
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,210
Ah, but what's this?
391
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,536
Unless I'm much mistaken,
a hammer and a chisel.
392
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:43,936
You are much mistaken!
393
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:47,055
A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
394
00:17:47,139 --> 00:17:51,415
Yes, a pencil so you
can drop me a postcard
395
00:17:51,499 --> 00:17:53,967
to tell me how the breakout went,
396
00:17:54,058 --> 00:17:55,974
and a small little tiny miniature trumpet
397
00:17:56,058 --> 00:17:57,968
in case, during your escape,
398
00:17:58,057 --> 00:18:01,413
you have to win favor
with a difficult child.
399
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,966
Baldrick, I don't want to
spend my last precious hours
400
00:18:05,056 --> 00:18:08,686
rummaging through this feeble
collection of stocking fillers.
401
00:18:08,776 --> 00:18:10,891
Let me ask you some simple questions:
402
00:18:10,975 --> 00:18:13,205
-is there a saw in this bag?
-No.
403
00:18:13,295 --> 00:18:14,691
-A hammer?
-No.
404
00:18:14,775 --> 00:18:16,003
-A chisel?
-No.
405
00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:17,090
-A gun?
-No.
406
00:18:17,174 --> 00:18:18,403
A false passport?
407
00:18:18,494 --> 00:18:19,490
No.
408
00:18:19,574 --> 00:18:21,247
A change of clothes?
409
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:24,209
Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't
forget a change of clothes.
410
00:18:24,293 --> 00:18:27,172
Ah, well, that's something. Let's see…
411
00:18:29,092 --> 00:18:31,561
A Robin Hood costume.
412
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:35,565
Yeah, I put in a French
peasant's outfit first,
413
00:18:35,651 --> 00:18:37,647
But then I thought, what if you arrive in
414
00:18:37,731 --> 00:18:39,086
in a French peasant's village
415
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:41,406
and they're in the middle
of a fancy dress party?'
416
00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:44,403
And what if I arrive in a
French peasant village,
417
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:46,205
dressed in a Robin Hood costume
418
00:18:46,289 --> 00:18:48,644
and there isn't a fancy dress party?
419
00:18:48,729 --> 00:18:50,285
Well, to be quite frank sir,
420
00:18:50,369 --> 00:18:52,404
I didn't consider that eventuality,
421
00:18:52,488 --> 00:18:55,204
because if you did,
you'd stick out like a…
422
00:18:55,288 --> 00:18:56,564
Like a man standing in a lake
423
00:18:56,648 --> 00:18:59,400
with a small painted
wooden duck on his head?
424
00:18:59,487 --> 00:19:00,397
Exactly!
425
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,363
Excuse me, sir.
426
00:19:02,447 --> 00:19:04,642
All right, um, thank you, Baldrick,
427
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,798
we'll finish this picnic later.
428
00:19:07,886 --> 00:19:09,478
Yum yum!
429
00:19:11,445 --> 00:19:13,281
Do you mind if I disturb
you for a moment, sir?
430
00:19:13,365 --> 00:19:14,593
No, no, not at all.
431
00:19:14,684 --> 00:19:16,675
My diary's pretty empty this week.
432
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:19,517
Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot…
433
00:19:19,604 --> 00:19:21,399
Yes, that's about it, actually.
434
00:19:21,483 --> 00:19:23,793
It's just there's a few chaps out here
435
00:19:23,883 --> 00:19:25,079
would like a bit of a chinwag.
436
00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:26,998
Oh, lovely.
Always keen to meet new people.
437
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,231
Corporal Jones,
438
00:19:28,322 --> 00:19:31,075
and Privates Frazier,
Robinson, and Tipperwick.
439
00:19:31,162 --> 00:19:32,674
ALL: Hello.
440
00:19:32,761 --> 00:19:36,356
Well, nice of you to drop by.
441
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,238
And what do you do?
442
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,677
We're your firing squad, sir.
443
00:19:49,279 --> 00:19:51,314
Of course you are.
444
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,469
-Good sized chest.
-Shut up, lad.
445
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:55,634
You see, us firing squads
are a bit like tax men, sir,
446
00:19:55,718 --> 00:19:56,991
everyone hates us,
447
00:19:57,077 --> 00:19:59,387
but we're just doin'
our job, ain't we, lads?
448
00:19:59,477 --> 00:20:01,353
My heart bleeds for you.
449
00:20:01,437 --> 00:20:03,791
Well, sir, we aim to please.
450
00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:09,304
Just a little firing
squad joke there, sir!
451
00:20:09,395 --> 00:20:11,671
You see, sir,
452
00:20:11,755 --> 00:20:15,065
we take pride in the
terminatory service we supply.
453
00:20:15,154 --> 00:20:19,350
So, is there any particular area
you'd like us to go for, hmm?
454
00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:21,265
We can aim anywhere.
455
00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:22,388
Well, in that case,
456
00:20:22,473 --> 00:20:23,989
just above my head might be a good spot.
457
00:20:24,073 --> 00:20:25,388
[ALL LAUGHING]
458
00:20:25,472 --> 00:20:27,907
You see, a laugh and a smile,
459
00:20:27,992 --> 00:20:29,828
and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem
460
00:20:29,912 --> 00:20:31,982
quite so bad after all, does it, sir?
461
00:20:32,071 --> 00:20:34,221
No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.
462
00:20:34,311 --> 00:20:36,507
A good pulse and jugular there as well.
463
00:20:36,591 --> 00:20:38,546
Look, I'm sorry, I know
you mean to be friendly,
464
00:20:38,630 --> 00:20:42,385
but I hope you won't take it
amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.
465
00:20:42,470 --> 00:20:46,382
No, no, no, no, no, no,
fair enough, 'course not, sir.
466
00:20:46,469 --> 00:20:48,865
No one likes being shot first
thing in the morning, do they?
467
00:20:48,949 --> 00:20:51,701
So, look forward to
seeing you tomorrow, sir.
468
00:20:51,788 --> 00:20:53,624
You'll have a blindfold on of course,
469
00:20:53,708 --> 00:20:55,380
but you'll recognize me.
470
00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:57,423
I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire!"
471
00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,418
Could I ask you to leave a pause
472
00:20:59,507 --> 00:21:02,622
between the word
"aim" and the word "fire"?
473
00:21:02,706 --> 00:21:04,379
Thirty or forty years, perhaps?
474
00:21:04,466 --> 00:21:06,377
[ALL LAUGHING]
475
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:09,378
Ah, wish I could pause,
sir, I really wish I could,
476
00:21:09,465 --> 00:21:12,378
but I can't, you see, 'cos
I'm a gabbier, you see.
477
00:21:12,465 --> 00:21:13,534
Ready-aim-fire!
478
00:21:13,624 --> 00:21:16,377
No style, no finesse…
479
00:21:16,464 --> 00:21:20,855
But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?
Come on, lads.
480
00:21:20,943 --> 00:21:24,095
Whoever gets closest to the
mole gets to keep his gold teeth.
481
00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:26,742
-Good night, sir.
-Sleep well, sir.
482
00:21:27,622 --> 00:21:29,135
Perfect!
483
00:21:29,222 --> 00:21:31,537
I wonder if anything on
earth could depress me more?
484
00:21:31,621 --> 00:21:32,816
Excuse me, sir?
485
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:34,537
Of course it could.
486
00:21:34,621 --> 00:21:38,056
I forgot to give you this letter
from Lieutenant George, sir.
487
00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:40,370
Ahh! Oh, joy!
488
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:43,815
What wise words from the
world's greatest defense counsel?
489
00:21:43,899 --> 00:21:48,371
"Dear Mother…" Hmm, unusual start.
490
00:21:48,458 --> 00:21:50,334
"Thanks for the case of Scotch."
491
00:21:50,418 --> 00:21:51,934
You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.
492
00:21:52,018 --> 00:21:54,053
You've brought the wrong letter again.
493
00:21:54,137 --> 00:21:55,889
Ohh yeah, he did write two.
494
00:21:55,977 --> 00:21:58,491
Yes, his mother's about to get a note
495
00:21:58,577 --> 00:22:01,372
telling her he's sorry she's
going to be shot in the morning,
496
00:22:01,456 --> 00:22:04,050
while I have to read this drivel.
497
00:22:04,136 --> 00:22:07,207
"Hope Celia thrives
in the pony club trials,"
498
00:22:07,295 --> 00:22:10,371
"and that little Freddy scores
a century for the first eleven."
499
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:12,570
You can't deny, it's a riveting read.
500
00:22:12,654 --> 00:22:14,884
Uh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert,"
501
00:22:14,974 --> 00:22:17,609
"who'd have thought it, mad
Uncle Rupert, Minister of War"
502
00:22:17,693 --> 00:22:22,289
"with power of life and death
over every bally soldier in the Army."
503
00:22:22,373 --> 00:22:26,127
Hang on a minute… This is it!
504
00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:28,362
All George has to do
is send him a telegram
505
00:22:28,452 --> 00:22:29,367
and he'll get me off.
506
00:22:29,451 --> 00:22:31,044
Baldrick, I love you!
507
00:22:31,131 --> 00:22:34,203
I want to kiss your cherry lips
508
00:22:34,291 --> 00:22:36,725
and nibble your shell-like ears!
509
00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:38,289
I'm freee!
510
00:22:42,289 --> 00:22:44,360
I'm useless, useless!
511
00:22:44,449 --> 00:22:45,359
Sir, sir!
512
00:22:45,449 --> 00:22:47,324
Hello Private, how's the captain?
513
00:22:47,408 --> 00:22:49,319
He's absolutely fine, sir, but…
514
00:22:49,408 --> 00:22:51,364
You're just trying to cheer me up.
I know the truth.
515
00:22:51,448 --> 00:22:54,439
He hates me because I
completely assed up his defense.
516
00:22:54,527 --> 00:22:56,843
-Yes, I know, sir…
-Because I'm thick, you see.
517
00:22:56,927 --> 00:22:58,563
I'm as thick as the big-print version
518
00:22:58,647 --> 00:23:01,202
of the complete works of Charles Dickens.
519
00:23:01,286 --> 00:23:03,922
If only I could've saved him. If only!
520
00:23:04,006 --> 00:23:05,321
But you can, sir.
521
00:23:05,405 --> 00:23:06,361
What, how?
522
00:23:06,445 --> 00:23:08,081
You send a telegram.
523
00:23:08,165 --> 00:23:10,554
Of course! I send a telegram!
524
00:23:10,645 --> 00:23:12,040
Yeah!
525
00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:14,920
-Who to?
-To the person in the letter.
526
00:23:15,004 --> 00:23:17,039
-What letter?
-To your mother.
527
00:23:17,123 --> 00:23:18,359
I send a telegram to my mother?!
528
00:23:18,443 --> 00:23:19,956
-No!
-No!
529
00:23:20,043 --> 00:23:21,839
You send a telegram to the
person in the letter to your mother.
530
00:23:21,923 --> 00:23:23,358
Who was in the letter to my mother?
531
00:23:23,442 --> 00:23:24,716
I can't remember!
532
00:23:24,802 --> 00:23:26,398
-Well, think, think!
-No, you think, think!
533
00:23:26,482 --> 00:23:29,792
Celia, of course!
The pony club trials… yes!
534
00:23:29,881 --> 00:23:32,873
Celia could leap over the
walls of the prison and save him!
535
00:23:32,961 --> 00:23:33,996
No, no!
536
00:23:34,081 --> 00:23:35,753
No, no, um… cricket!
537
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,229
Yes, I've got Cousin Freddie, of course.
538
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,635
He could knock out the firing
squad with his cricket bat!
539
00:23:40,719 --> 00:23:41,993
No, there's someone else!
540
00:23:42,079 --> 00:23:43,355
-Well, who?!
-I don't know!
541
00:23:43,439 --> 00:23:45,155
-Well, neither do I!
-Well, think, think!
542
00:23:45,239 --> 00:23:46,990
-You think, sir!
-I'm stuck!
543
00:23:50,118 --> 00:23:52,631
-No, it hasn't helped.
-Yes it has, sir.
544
00:23:52,717 --> 00:23:56,233
Your Uncle Rupert who's
just been made Minister of War.
545
00:23:56,317 --> 00:23:57,352
Of course!
546
00:23:57,437 --> 00:23:59,352
Uncle Rupert's just been
made the Minister of War!
547
00:23:59,436 --> 00:24:01,746
Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegram
548
00:24:01,836 --> 00:24:03,112
and he'll pull strings and scratch backs
549
00:24:03,196 --> 00:24:06,870
and fiddle with knobs,
and get the captain off!
550
00:24:06,955 --> 00:24:08,351
Hurray!
551
00:24:08,435 --> 00:24:10,510
Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?
552
00:24:10,594 --> 00:24:11,868
Oh, just about, sir.
553
00:24:11,954 --> 00:24:14,030
I think this calls for a
celebration, don't you?
554
00:24:14,114 --> 00:24:16,349
What about a tot of Old
Morehen's Shredded Sporum,
555
00:24:16,433 --> 00:24:18,344
which Mummsy's just sent over?
556
00:24:18,433 --> 00:24:20,344
I think a toast, don't you,
557
00:24:20,433 --> 00:24:23,345
to Captain Blackadder and freedom!
558
00:24:23,432 --> 00:24:26,068
Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.
559
00:24:26,152 --> 00:24:27,187
[ROOSTER CROWS]
560
00:24:27,272 --> 00:24:29,227
-'Morning.
-'Morning, sir.
561
00:24:29,311 --> 00:24:32,429
I must say, Captain, I've
got to admire your balls.
562
00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:38,542
Perhaps later.
563
00:24:39,829 --> 00:24:42,343
So boys, how are you doing?
564
00:24:42,429 --> 00:24:43,624
ALL: Very well, good.
565
00:24:43,709 --> 00:24:46,984
-Robinson, good to see you.
-Good to see you, too, sir.
566
00:24:47,068 --> 00:24:49,139
Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?
567
00:24:49,228 --> 00:24:49,864
Excellent, sir.
568
00:24:49,948 --> 00:24:50,664
Ready-aim-fire!
569
00:24:50,748 --> 00:24:54,342
Wait for it, wait for it.
570
00:24:54,427 --> 00:24:56,816
So the phone's on the
hook, isn't it, Perkins?
571
00:24:56,907 --> 00:24:57,941
Oh yes, sir.
572
00:24:58,026 --> 00:24:59,342
So, where do you want me?
573
00:24:59,426 --> 00:25:02,100
Well, up against the
wall is traditional, sir.
574
00:25:02,186 --> 00:25:03,414
Of course it is.
575
00:25:04,745 --> 00:25:06,701
Ah, this side or the other side?
576
00:25:06,785 --> 00:25:08,101
[ALL LAUGH]
577
00:25:08,185 --> 00:25:11,779
No messengers waiting, Perkins?
578
00:25:11,864 --> 00:25:13,457
Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.
579
00:25:13,544 --> 00:25:14,817
Fair enough, fair enough.
580
00:25:14,903 --> 00:25:16,462
All right, lads, line up.
581
00:25:18,383 --> 00:25:19,379
Yes, ah…
582
00:25:19,463 --> 00:25:21,738
Now, look, I think there's
a bit of a misunderstanding,
583
00:25:21,822 --> 00:25:23,893
you see, I was expecting a telegram.
584
00:25:23,982 --> 00:25:25,052
CORPORAL: Attention!
585
00:25:25,142 --> 00:25:26,218
An important one, actually.
586
00:25:26,302 --> 00:25:27,735
Take aim!
587
00:25:27,821 --> 00:25:29,175
BALDRICK: Stop!
588
00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:30,817
I think that's what they
call 'The nick of time'.
589
00:25:30,901 --> 00:25:32,573
Message for you, Captain.
590
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:34,492
Of course it is. Read it, please.
591
00:25:34,580 --> 00:25:36,696
Eh, "Here's looking at you.
592
00:25:36,780 --> 00:25:40,374
Love from all the
boys in the firing squad."
593
00:25:42,259 --> 00:25:44,974
You soft bastards, you!
594
00:25:45,058 --> 00:25:48,334
I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.
595
00:25:48,418 --> 00:25:49,692
How thoughtful!
596
00:25:49,778 --> 00:25:51,093
Attention!
597
00:25:51,177 --> 00:25:53,373
Now, look, something has
gone spectacularly, badly wrong.
598
00:25:53,457 --> 00:25:54,333
Take aim!
599
00:25:54,417 --> 00:25:55,693
Baldrick, you're mincemeat!
600
00:25:55,777 --> 00:25:59,489
-CORPORAL: Fi…
-Oh, my head!
601
00:25:59,576 --> 00:26:01,772
Oh, my head!
602
00:26:01,856 --> 00:26:07,051
Feels like the time I was initiated into
the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.
603
00:26:07,135 --> 00:26:08,363
I misheard the rules
604
00:26:08,454 --> 00:26:11,250
and pushed a whole
aubergine into my earhole.
605
00:26:11,334 --> 00:26:14,963
Permission to die, sir.
606
00:26:15,053 --> 00:26:17,329
Bu… Bu… Bu… What started this drinking?
607
00:26:17,413 --> 00:26:19,324
Oh, yes, well, we were celebrating
608
00:26:19,413 --> 00:26:23,121
getting Captain
Blackadder off Scot-fr… free.
609
00:26:23,212 --> 00:26:26,327
Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!
610
00:26:26,411 --> 00:26:27,924
Oh, whoops.
611
00:26:28,011 --> 00:26:29,007
Oh, no!
612
00:26:29,091 --> 00:26:31,479
Now he's dead, you see.
He's dead, dead, dead,
613
00:26:31,570 --> 00:26:34,766
because we're a pair
of selfish so-and-sos!
614
00:26:34,850 --> 00:26:36,406
Oh, God, if I had a rope,
615
00:26:36,490 --> 00:26:38,765
I'd put it around my neck
and bally-well hang myself
616
00:26:38,849 --> 00:26:40,325
until it really hurt.
617
00:26:40,409 --> 00:26:43,125
Hi, George. ' Morning, Baldrick.
618
00:26:43,209 --> 00:26:46,803
Still the striking resemblance
to guppies fish at feeding time.
619
00:26:46,888 --> 00:26:50,323
Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.
620
00:26:50,407 --> 00:26:52,603
Oh, excellent!
621
00:26:52,687 --> 00:26:56,077
Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?
622
00:26:56,166 --> 00:26:58,042
Oh, well, well, of course, sir,
623
00:26:58,126 --> 00:27:01,081
We wanted to lay on a bit
of a bash for your safe return.
624
00:27:01,165 --> 00:27:02,314
Ah.. Here you go.
625
00:27:02,405 --> 00:27:06,319
There was a second telegram
that arrived actually, George,
626
00:27:06,405 --> 00:27:08,520
addressed to you personally by your uncle.
627
00:27:08,604 --> 00:27:12,913
-Oh, thank you, I…
-"George, my boy,
628
00:27:13,003 --> 00:27:15,119
"outraged to read in dispatches"
629
00:27:15,203 --> 00:27:17,919
"of how that ass Melchett
made such a pigs-ear"
630
00:27:18,003 --> 00:27:20,232
"of your chum Blackadder's court-martial."
631
00:27:20,322 --> 00:27:22,313
"Have reversed the decision forthwith."
632
00:27:22,402 --> 00:27:27,837
Surprised you didn't ask
me to do it yourself, actually."
633
00:27:27,921 --> 00:27:30,231
Now this is interesting, isn't it?
634
00:27:30,321 --> 00:27:33,036
Uh, uh, yes, well, you
see, sir, the thing is…
635
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:34,796
You two got whammed
last night, didn't you?
636
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,314
Well, well, no, not whammed exactly.
637
00:27:37,399 --> 00:27:39,072
A little tiddly, perhaps.
638
00:27:39,159 --> 00:27:40,915
And you forgot the telegram to your uncle.
639
00:27:40,999 --> 00:27:42,671
Well, no… no… no,
640
00:27:42,758 --> 00:27:44,354
not, not, completely,
I mean, um, partially…
641
00:27:44,438 --> 00:27:47,314
Um… well… Yes, yes, entirely.
642
00:27:47,398 --> 00:27:50,433
I think I can explain, sir.
643
00:27:50,517 --> 00:27:51,871
Can you, Baldrick?
644
00:27:53,397 --> 00:27:54,872
No.
645
00:27:54,956 --> 00:27:56,592
As I suspected.
646
00:27:56,676 --> 00:27:59,190
Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know,
647
00:27:59,276 --> 00:28:02,311
but henceforth, I shall
nightly pray to the God
648
00:28:02,395 --> 00:28:04,306
that killed Cain and squashed Samson,
649
00:28:04,395 --> 00:28:05,870
that he comes out of retirement
650
00:28:05,954 --> 00:28:08,070
and gets back into
practice on the pair of you!
651
00:28:08,154 --> 00:28:09,303
[PHONE RINGING]
652
00:28:09,394 --> 00:28:11,110
Captain Blackadder.
653
00:28:11,194 --> 00:28:12,669
Ah, Captain Darling.
654
00:28:12,753 --> 00:28:16,269
Well, you know, some of us
just have friends in high places,
655
00:28:16,353 --> 00:28:17,309
I suppose.
656
00:28:17,393 --> 00:28:19,383
Yes, I can hear you perfectly.
657
00:28:19,472 --> 00:28:21,065
You want what?
658
00:28:21,152 --> 00:28:25,861
You want two volunteers for
a mission into no-man's-land…
659
00:28:25,951 --> 00:28:29,023
Code name: Operation Certain Death.
660
00:28:29,111 --> 00:28:32,705
Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.
661
00:28:32,790 --> 00:28:33,825
[HANGS UP]
662
00:28:33,910 --> 00:28:37,539
God is very quick these days.